Depression is.....

This is to anyone who has been diagnosed with depression or to anyone who knows someone who suffers from depression......

Depression is:

REAL......it's not a mood.....for some it's working through a rough patch in life.....for others it's managing it for a lifetime......

Sinking so low you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.....

Wanting more than anything to feel normal.....


Trying so hard to dig out, but you slip all the way down again.....


Trying really, really hard not to cry......all the time......


Finding every excuse under the sun not to attend a function......screening phone calls because you just can't "fake it till you feel it" anymore.......


Wanting to be a Christian who represents my Lord with excellence.....


Striving to be the "right" wife....


Desiring to function so that my kids won't "know".....and not wanting to screw them up....


Wondering if they all really, really need my crazy in their life.....


Wishing you could fulfill your families expectations.....let's face it I will never be good enough to be the daughter or sister that fits into "their" box.....


Setting out the Halloween decorations to try to feel festive, setting out the Thanksgiving decorations to try to feel thankful, setting out the Christmas decorations to try to get into the Christmas spirit.......


Wanting desperately for family and friends not to judge me, not to tease me, and not to give me crap for taking medication......wanting it so desperately that you stop taking meds to seek approval.......then the cycle slowly starts over again.......


Wishing desperately that people would understand that you can't "snap" out of depression, there are ups and downs, there are times when coping is not a problem, but there are also times when coping is the hardest thing to do......

Sometimes alienating friends and family.........


I will say this.....I'm thankful for my Lord who never ever gives up on me.....everyday he gives me a brand new start.......


I'm thankful to my husband as we work through our "crazy" together.....


I'm thankful for my sweet boys who love me, just becuase......


I'm thankful for several most precious friendships!!! These girls, who amongst their own busy lives and own turmoil, cheer me on, pray me on, talk me on.....they see beyond their own bubble in life and know when a friend is hurting...they take time they don't have to invest in helping a friend through a really rough spot in life.....


I'm thankful for prayers.....medication.....therapists......and the ugly, honest truth!!!

Hi friends!!! I'm on my way out the door....it's been a while since my last post....but we've started football so we leave right after work and get home after dark!!!

Anyway, I have lost 5 pounds!!! I am thrilled!!! My clothes are starting to fit again and it's nice to go in the closet and have some fun with my choice of clothes!!!

I weighed yesterday which was exactly 3 weeks from the first weigh in.....I have decided that this is a slow journey and the road to maintaining, which has always been my struggle, will be a life long journey!!! I am going to continue to post 1x/week FOREVER!!! This will keep me accountable!!! I'm going to try to always have something informative and helpful to share when I post a blog!!

Today's "info" is the new app I have found for my Iphone....and it's free!! I stumbled across it late last week and I LOVE IT!!! It's called "lose it". It is a great tool to help lose weight or maintain. It has really helped me this past week.....so now I'm logging my food and it tally's my calories (vs. Weight Watchers, which counts points).

Check it out....it's quick, easy, and free!!!

Bye for now......Have an awesome day!!!

Can I just say YOGA is HARD!!!! My friend and neighbor took me to her gym for a yoga class last night.....after about 2 minutes I wanted to make a bee line for the door. Somehow I survived. Man it was crazy hard, but also felt so good to lengthen and stretch my muscles. It made me much more aware of how my muscles must be all balled up and shortened driving in a car all day!!! My friend is a certified instructor and we decided we might do our yoga sessions at her house from now on. (At one point the instructor did a pose and I literally said out loud, "come on, you've got to be kidding"......yikes!!!)

O.k....wrapping up since I have to dart out for work....here is the "list" I read in a medical magazine in a doctor's office......it's the chic from eat, pray, love.....

10 things to do every day for mental, spiritual, and physical well being:

1. read something
2. write something
3. don't eat too much
4. drink water
5. stretch
6. take a walk
7. spend some time in silence
8. send a message of love to someone
9. mess around in the garden (although I don't have a garden, I'm going to buy a basil plant and cilantro plant tonight....will that count?)
10. floss

Enjoy and have an awesome Friday!!!
p.s. down 4 pounds!!!!

"SOMEONE" (JLB) reminded me that she hadn't noticed a post since last Friday......and since I am over halfway to the 28 days.....I'd better keep on it. That "SOMEONE" also told me that I probably should have passed on Taco Bell and a Twix yesterday.......darn her!!!

We had company and a baseball tournament over the weekend......my eyes were blurry Monday morning!!!

I fell off the bandwagon a bit Sunday night as I hadn't eaten since 11am and it was 7pm.....I should know better.....let's just say there were beers involved and Mexican food. Monday night was decompress time and the day and evening had been great (re: eating and exercise) until the boys came in around 8:30 and I fixed them dinner. I mindlessly chatted with them about football and mindlessly nibbled my way to waaaay to full!!! Bummer!!

As of Sunday am, I had lost 3 pounds.....I am thinking right now it is about 2-3 pounds....due to a couple of bad days.

Once again today is a new day!!! I think overall I am learning that this really isn't a "DIET", this is a new beginning (yes, there have been many "new beginnings") of healthy eating, treats that are few and far between.....the twix was the first treat in a while.....drinks that are fewer.....not scarfing chips and queso when eating Mexican food.....like I said a while back, they are not "never" foods, but they are also not an "every time" food.

My goal is to lose a total of 10 pounds.......I realize that I have 12 days left to my birthday!! If I could lose a TOTAL of 5 by then, it will be a great START to continue this 10 pound journey. I want to be realistic and healthy on this journey!!

I need to remember to take one day at a time and be proud of the steps and choices I make every day......when I "fall off"......no condemnation...."His mercies are new every day".....I also need to be merciful to myself and start the next day "NEW"!!!

I have come across a "list" (which is right up my ally) in a magazine article that is helping me to take care of ME every day......emotionally, spiritually, and physically. (I'll share my fav list tomorrow on my blog!!!) This helps me to be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, co-worker, etc.

Funny.....thinking back to yesterday.....I didn't take time yesterday morning for my little am routine of starting my day right.....and look at my choices for eating.....hhmmmmm.....I bet there is a connection!!! I'm embarrassed to say I even had lunch and dessert packed in my trunk that would have been 7 pts, instead I chose my crutch of Taco Bell and a candy bar????? 16pts???? WHAT????? I think there is a definite connection!!!! I was also so sluggish, I could hardly drive, and on the phone with my girl Nesha, I think I yawned 99 times!!!

The dots are connecting!!! Thanks friends for loving me and encouraging me!!! Thanks JLB for the yucky part of the truth that I need to see and hear......that's what a sweet sis in law is for!!!

WEll....it's Fabulous Friday!!! Just a quick word before I'm out the door for work!!!

I survived......I made it....for the first time I fasted. Only by the grace of God of course!! Anyone that knows me, knows that this is a true statement.

I have to say, not only did I spend my thinking and praying about our country and it's leaders, but when I was interacting with others it made me more aware of my mouth, my thoughts, and my actions. It was nice to not obsess on what the next meal will be!! We'll see how it goes for that day next week!!!

I even sat with a friend at Alamo Cafe during lunch and did not eat anything!! That is one of my favorite places to go eat, even since childhood!!! Now that is a MIRACLE by the Holy Spirit.

Mom's favorite verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13

Have a Fabulous Friday!!!

Tonight my eyes are towards tomorrow.....and taking my focus off myself for the day!!!

Really that's where it should be everyday.

My friend from Georgetown has a blog....... marisarickerson.blogspot.com She is a teacher and an author.......she has completely inspired me to fast in order to turn my focus to the current crisis our country is facing morally and economically. I'll admit, I try to somewhat bury my head in the sand, about what all we face as a nation.......but it's coming very, very soon......and Marisa is right, we must have a revival.

My immediate revival is a personal commitment to fast for one day per week over the next three weeks......my goal is to no longer "bury my head in the sand". The first and most proactive thing I can do to take action is to be a prayer warrior for BIBLICAL TRUTH AND PRINCIPLES for our country!!!

That will be my focus.....I'm calling it: "THRIVING THURSDAY".

We'll call this one "the little engine that could"!!!

That's how I feel after one week of "losin" it and all that's lost is ONE pound????!!!!!! Anyway, the book has a happy ending, so that's what I'm hangin' around for......this week would be "I think I can, I think I can.....chugga chugga....."

O.k.....enough of that!!!

I had a mini bagel (2pts) with a "shmear" of cream cheese (1pt) for breakfast....

lunch was Olive Garden with clients....I had the capellini pomodoro (sp?) ......and I ate all of it???.....(10pts) with the salad (2pts) and their low fat dressing (2pts)......

I came home and had a few leftover bowtie pastas (2pts) and a string cheese(1pt)....oops I forgot and an oreo bar (1pt).....(somehow I was staaaarving when I came in)....then when the ravenous starvation subsided (this tally is not looking so whippy) I fixed my supper....my famous (to me only) homemade bean and cheese chalupas (5), but those were so good, I needed just a smidge of something else.....so I pulled out the baked lays (2pts) with some sour cream and salsa (2pts).

Finally, the frenzy seemed complete except that I needed a tiny something sweet...so I ate some of those "magical dark chocolate blueberry/acai covered thingys from costco" (4pts), which I put the rest in a ziplock and sent home with my mom.........AND I'll not purchase those "thingys" EVER AGAIN!!!

Now you are seeing an ugly glimmer into what takes place in my tum......and on my tum!!!

I just did the tally and it's not too pretty......you'll have to add for yourself to see the damage of my feeding frenzy.

On a better note, I was able to visit with and encourage one of my case manager's (a client) who is joining Weight Watchers tonight. That was nice!!

On an even better note, my pants did not feel as tight today and I was feeling pretty confident UNTIL (it's not a better note anymore....) I remembered that these were my new fabulous, bargain pants that I just got from GAP......A SIZE bigger than my normal size......whatever!!!

Soooooo.....off for a little jog and some sweet, skinny dreams!!! :-)

GOOOOOOOD Monday Morning!!! Trying to get a good jump start on the day!!

Saturday and Sunday I didn't post anything because the days FLEW by....why does that happen on the weekends???? I also didn't post because I was a BAD girl with my "losin"!!!! Let's say there was some chocolate involved, late night fridge raids involved, ummm some beer involved, and some not exercising involved......BAD, BAD Becks. :-(

Today is a new day....21 days left to losin' it.....end of week 1....start of week 2 and I'm ready to hit the ground running. I realized that after the first week.....I didn't hit it hard enough. I did lose 1 and a half pounds (which I probably put right back on after a couple of bad days). I need to try for a little better progress this week. Tomorrow is weigh in and measure day again.

This week's motto is "keep on keepin on"!!!

We had such a blast last night...Spazmatics......sooooo much fun!!! Any 80's song you can imagine, they sang. I took some pictures and posted for fun!! Some things never change.....my brother would not let me take his picture and threatened to throw my phone in a cup of beer if I didn't put away.....which I DID NOT put it away!! :-) Next pic is me and Jenny, next and last pic is me and Coryelle. I had a GREAT pic of Brett and Brock, but I'm not "allowed" to post!! I'll abide with the wishes this time!!

I did good with the eating and drinking thing. However, it was my neighbor Mike's birthday and he bought me a beer.....I had to have that or else it would have just been rude!! We were there for all three sets they played!! I have some video of them singing....I'll see if I can post it later!!

As for today....I had the day off from work and it has been sooooo nice. Brett also took off.....so we slept late and piddled around the house this morning. Trenton and I did groceries and are going to a movie for a mommy date night.

Eating has been good: cheese lean pocket for breakfast (5pts), homemade bean and cheese chalupas with jalapenos and sour cream for lunch (6pts), a sugar free dark chocolate pudding (1pt p.s. very yummy!!), we are going for a quick Taco Bell stop for an early supper before the movie (10pts)....yes my poor children also think Taco Bell and Taco Cabana are "yummy".....I have tainted them!!! I packed some of those yummy dark choc acai/blueberry thingys in a baggy for the movie (4pts). That will be a rap with food for me today!!

NO EXERCISE today because of the late movie we are going to see.......oh darn!!

We get to pick up our boy tomorrow.....missin' him so much!!!

xoxoxo

Here it is already Thursday!! My scale was down 1 pound this morning.....woo hoo....it's a start!!

First things first....I've had several inquiries about how to post a comment......go and type your comment in the section and then it will prompt you to make a choice....choose google acct....IT DOES NOT COST MONEY AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO SET UP A NEW E-MAIL ACCT......YEAH AND YEAH!!! You will go and type in your current e-mail address and make up a password (I used my same one that I use for everything....heavy security-lol), then confirm your password, type in their funky letters and it will give you access from there on out. Takes about 2 minutes....or less.....

I did get in my jog last night at almost dark.....no animal or bug attacks!!! I also got up this morning in time for my Bible study and quiet time. Successes are GOOD!!!

I did good with my eating, but this evening will be my first big challenge of the week. We are going out with the neighborhood (as couples) to go to Scout Bar and see the Spazmatics (sp?) They are an 80's band and everyone says it is so much fun. Definitely out of our "norm" especially for a week night, but Tanner is at church camp, Trenton is with the folks, and Brett and I are OFF work tomorrow!!!!

I have saved room for a "light" dinner so that I can include a "good sized" glass of wine at the neighbor's house before we head out......the rest of the night it's water with lemon for me so that I can be the driver on the way home.....plus it keeps me from drinking too much and going over my points.....2 very good things in my world. :-)

Since we are going out around 8 tonight that leaves me needing to do my run around 6....yikes....as long as I live through the run.....it should be a fun evening!!

Healthy wishes!!! xoxo

p.s. thanks for your prayers and well wishes.....I have to give all credit to the One, True, and Awesome God.....His Holy Spirit dwells within and blesses abundantly with grace, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, and convictions....it is His convictions that make me want to change and be better for Him.

To Him alone be all glory, honor, and praise!!

Today was a GREAT day.....CRAZY, but great!!! I managed to stay away from all of the chocolate fudge and peanut butter brownie cupcakes that I took into my referral sources. I think drool dripped down my face as they opened the boxes!! It's not a "never having them again" but it's a "no" for now!! My lunch was successful also!! I got an early start on the day and it felt wonderful!!

I love how gracious God is to extend his many blessings when we do our part and exercise even a small amount of discipline. It seems when one aspect of life goes down the right path then many other parts of daily life follow suit!! Definitely not rocket science......I'm kind of slow like that!! :-)

I'm going to keep tonight short......(yes....nothing short of a miracle from your long winded friend) and just go over my menu for today. Maybe it will give someone an idea or maybe someone will have an idea for ME!!!

Breakfast: mini brown sugar cinnamon whole wheat bagel (2pts) with 1 svg WW cream cheese (1pt) and a ww string cheese (1pt). I had some water and then....ouch....a diet coke!!

Lunch: ate at Cha Cha's Mexican Retaraunt (not to be confused with Cha Chos because that is fast food and we all know I am repulsed by fast food.....NOT....but I don't like that one). I had the avacado salad which consisted of: lettuce, tomato, cucumber, avacado (4pts), and carrots, I added a small serving of borracho beans (0pts) and grilled chicken (2pts). I used lots of salsa as my dressing. It was yummy!! I ate literally 1 chip....first time in my life at a Mexican rest. that I only ate 1 chip....usually it's 2 baskets!!!

Snack: 2 WW string cheese (2pts), 1 oreo bar (1pt)

Supper: A super duper yummy messy Mexican marvel!! I had some diced grilled chicken in my freezer....leftover from a previous meal.....I saute'd it with a small can of green chiles and a bag of spinach....I drizzled a tiny bit of olive oil and lots of garlic powder, pepper, and some salt. When all of that was ready....I used 2 low carb mission tortillas (2pts), 1/2 cup of motz cheese (4pts), chicken/spinach mixture (2pts), a whole sliced tomato, and about 8 slices of jalapenos. I drizzled it with a little taco sauce and grilled the bad boy up!!! Ate it with a 1/4 cup of low fat sour cream (1.5pts)!! Boy was it yummy and boy was I full. After I made everyone else's (they were all outside playing basketball...so I ate in Entertainment Tonight bliss.....I ate about 10 dark chocolate covered acai/blueberry thingys from costco....it's like choc covered rasains on crack!!! (about 1.5 points)

It's a total of about 24-25 pts for the day....right where I want to be to include my bonus points. I have had all 6 cups of water and am off for a 2.5 mile jog!! Hopefully more water after that.

Please say 2 prayers for me if you read this.....it's almost dark and I'm off for a jog...safety....I'm not worried about strange people, but strange animals and bugs that come out at near dark!!!
Also please pray that I will get up extra early in the morning for a quiet time!!! I REALLY need it!!

Thanks friends....healthy eating!!! (ps....that was a kind of short post)

Well here we are......day 2!!!



First things first....."I'm losin it", as you can tell refers to my weight...but it could also refer to many other things....my keys....my kids (just kidding).....my mind (not kidding.....that was lost loooonnnng ago).....but this blog is about losin' dad-gum weight!!! (and I guess practicing SOME healthier eating habbits.....and getting back to a bit more disciplined lifestyle)



Secondly.....I have been told by a certain someone (J.L.B.-lol) that I have to fess up that I had Taco Bell for lunch yesterday AND today. "Someone" said you can't lose weight if you are eating Taco Bell and Taco Cabana everyday at lunch. Yes, forget Ruths Cris......I'm a Taco Bell and Taco Cabana junkie......there I said it!!!

My answer is.....every food has a number of points and if I'm willing to spend them on my "crutch", then so be it!!! (by the way, I eat a soft taco supreme 5 points, and a tostada also 5 points) My sweet J.L.B is just trying to help!!! I have decided to limit those lunches and try to bring my lunch a couple of times a week...or maybe once......hey....it's a start!! I work out of my car and I like a "heartier" filling lunch, otherwise I focus on food all day. When I have packed my cooler with lunch in the past, I found that I have eaten the whole day's food by 10am......then I go get Taco Cabana!!!



Thirdly, I did the MEAUREMENTS and SCALE this am......it was UGLY!!! Yes, I have alot of work ahead of me......as mom always says....if it was easy, everyone would do it!!! And as mom also always says, if it's worth having, it's worth working for. That's what I kept telling myself last night as my 5 mile jog turned into a 4 mile walk/jog to finally an almost 4 mile walk/job. Can I tell you the word is "STIFLING".....not a whip of wind in the air!! Anyway, the biggest challenge last night was after my shower when my parents arrived from the airport (they are rennovating and staying with us on and off....they had been away for the weekend) and in walks my dad with McDonalds......I hate McDonalds, but to smell greasy McDonalds fries at 10:45 when every ounce of food has processed through my tum.....smelled REALLY good....but, I moved on to the bed!!!

Today was good.....just finished a 2 and 1/2 mile walk with my hubby......yes....you read correct!!! Finishing my 6th cup of water as I type......Ate pretty well.....4 points for breakfast, 10 points for lunch, 3 points for snack, and supper was about 9....and it was healthy!!!! ...angel hair pasta with saute'd (sp?) spinach and cilantro/lime shrimp and a little bit of fresh fruit!!

Tomorrow is another new day......going to try to get a better and earlier jump on the day with a positive attitude!! I have a plan.....because as my boss always says, "Failing to plan is planning to fail".

Since I will be lunching with clients I need to not go starving, slow down as I am eating (at least enough to breathe and chew the food), and choose a smart item from the menu (news alert.....I already know what I'm ordering!!!).

I will also drink my 6 cups of water.....while this may not seem like a big deal to some......I LOVE my diet coke and would much rather drink that than water!! BUT.....feeling dehydrated and being dehydrated really drains your body and I feel DRAINED alot of the time.......also, all the water makes me have to pee and that means peeing in public bathrooms all day and that is challenging for a germ-a-phobe like me. I will also walk/jog 3 miles tomorrow evening!!

Thanks for the sweet and funny comments and support!!! Go Misty!! Go Coryelle!!

Well here we go....it's a last ditch effort.....after putting on the "loose" pants this morning.....I realized I had to do something drastic!!! The "loose" pants were "snug as a bug" and throughout the day I actually felt them.....folding over....."oh dear"....





I will turn 39 in 28 days. I am a freak about my scale. I always like to use my birthday as a motivator to have my scale just where I want it.......


last year it was close.....but really it has been the last year and a half that I have struggled to maintain my "trim" weight. Before that I had maintained for about 3 years what I like to call my "skinny" weight.





You see there is my "trim" weight which everything fits and I feel good, but there is the "skinny" weight where my clothes are a bit loose and I feel very frisky and confident!! But there is the "oh dear" weight, which is actually not what I really say, it's more like....oh sh--!!! That's when my clothes do not fit and my stomach is what I call.....tub a licious!!! yuck!!!





O.K.....so now what to do about all of this madness!!! I'm going to blog to help keep me accountable. Maybe if anyone reads this, they may (or for sure) think I'm a weird-o, or maybe they may relate, or maybe they might be glad they don't have many of the issues that I struggle with......





Over the next 28 days, I hope to explore how the following things contribute to busy-ness, crazy-ness, gaining weight, not exercising enough, and much, much emotional eating:

• being a busy mom



• trying to keep up a strong marraige



• trying to keep spiritually sound



• trying to keep a tidy and organized home



• trying to work exercise into my life (in the mornings I am too tired and in the evenings I want to get comfy and sip wine!! )

To close: the plan for today is to keep my food within my points range [I'm a lifetime WW member: {daily points20 + (bonus points/7days)5 = 25}]; drink 6 cups of water; and run, I mean jog, I mean lightly jog, I mean lightly jog and maybe walk 5 miles!! I KNOW I can do this......it means no wine and no midnight chips and salsa or chalupas.....told you I'm a weird-o!!! :-)

Tomorrow am starts with a bathroom scale check and measurements.....ugh!!!